I hate that beautiful people get away with everything. It’s like the rules don’t even apply to us!

There is another Hellboy sequel and he still hasn’t started his mayonnaise company yet.

I’m reading a book on how to do stand up comedy. They recommend starting with a joke. Clever!

Someone asked me today if I've seen Fight Club. I didn't fall for it.

I'm surprised "They added me to a group text" isn't used more frequently as a legal defense. 

Everything is camouflage if the wallpaper is ugly enough.

Why do English people call it football if they play it with a soccerball?

We need to work on cake storage. We have two options: white paper thin cardboard that falls apart if you touch it and top grade plastic that alerts NASA when you pull it apart. We can’t get something in between by now?

The first person to compare how much they trusted someone with how far they could throw them clearly already had some trust issues before that person came along.

According to my Spotify search, there is no rap album named Hip Hop Hooray. And they call themselves poets.