If something happens, then you’re like “What are the odds?” Well, it happened so 1 in 1. Those are the odds.

The girl at Taco Bell put her phone number in my bag. It was to the store and printed on the receipt, but she obviously likes me!

“I did clean, but then I looked for something.” I assume I’m not the only one that has to explain this.

There are plants that are both vegans and cannibals.

How come you never see A) None of the below?

My adulthood has included far fewer paper airplanes than I thought it would as a kid.

We had a German Shepard when I was a kid, but he ran away when his wife left him and moved back to Hamburg. 

We know have a nice runner on our kitchen table. His name is Max.

I couldn't figure out the ending to this movie so I Googled it and found out those were apparently the names of the people that made the movie. 

The difference between a DJ and an iPod is the iPod was on time.