Announcer: Welcome back to SCTV, the network that broadcasts all the latest happenings on our hero the Spanish Conquistador. We had a slight glitch in the broadcasting over the last year, but we are proud to be back! It turns out that in a recent poll more people preferred the color bars to our network so we simply gave the people what they wanted, but there recently was a change in those poll results. We demanded a recount and found out the numbers were in fact exactly correct, but 23 percent of people stated the bars didn’t necessarily have to be in color. We here at SCTV must admit, it discouraged us for a few days, but we thought to hell with it, we will continue to keep you informed as we had done for the full two weeks we were in broadcast. We would like to invite you to join our newsletter as soon as it is completed. If you are interested in submitting an entry for consideration for the world famous newsletter, simply provide us with your name and a full four to five page issue of the newsletter so we can rush it to print. Remember, too, pictures are not required but are preferred and don’t forget to put the property of SCTV stamp at the bottom of all pages submitted. The time now is a quarter past 5 and that means it is time for our interview with someone in the life of the Spanish Conquistador. Well, we have a huge surprise today! We do not have anyone just in the Spanish Conquistador’s life. Our guest today is our star, the Spanish Conquistador himself! It required some string pulling but he did get him here in the studio.
SC: Yes sorry about that. I was asleep and wasn’t answering my phone.
Announcer: Yes that was my fault. I shouldn’t have called so early. Next time I’ll wait until after 4pm.
SC: That would be helpful.
Announcer: I see you have worn your pajamas into the studio. I had no idea they made that kind of sleep ware in adult sizes.
SC: I get all mine custom made. It does cost a little extra, but if I gown inexpensive clothing, I get mistaken for common folk in my dreams.
Announcer: I can tell you’re just full of sh-… surprises. What is something you think our listening audience might not know?
SC: Well, I guess I could say just about anything to that question.
Announcer: I meant about yourself.
SC: Oh, well in that case, I, uh, don’t really have any secrets from people.
Announcer: How about the man under the mask? Surely you lead a double life.
SC: The only doubling I believe in is double entandras… if you know what I mean… (laughs)
Announcer: So are you stating now categorically that you do not lead a double life?
SC: Well if it were a double life, I wouldn’t know about it now would I? Next question.
Announcer: Ok, I wanted to ask you about your live-in sidekick. What is the nature of your relationship?
SC: What are you implying?
Announcer: Nothing. Just trying to explore your guys’ background. How did you guys meet?
SC: Ah yes… Episode one. We were enemies at the time and about to duel to the death. I would have won by the way. I’ve had many duels to the death.
Announcer: And you’ve won them all?
SC: Of course I’ve won them all you idiot. I’m still here aren’t I?
Announcer: Yes quite.
SC: So as I was saying, we were about to engage and we got interrupted-
Announcer: What interrupted you?
SC: You just did. Can I finish please?
Announcer: Yes. Please go on.
SC: Ok, so we were there and uh… Where was I again?
Announcement: You were telling us about you and the Unnamed Assailant’s engagement.
SC: What are you implying? Huh? Oh right the duel… Well, anyway, My arch enemy had recently sent his army of squirrels forth to kill me once and for all. Actually, they aren’t even really squirrels, they’re chipmunks I found out from this lovely queen. I had just beaten down her husband with a blow to his genitals.
Announcer: A blow to his genitals? Please. This show is regulated by the FCC. Do we have to go to a time delay?
SC: What? No. There was a melee. Have you ever even listened to my show?
Announcer: No, I don’t get cable. So that’s how you met the Unnamed Assailant. And you two have been together ever since?
SC: Yes we have.
Announcer: Well I am sure you guys are very happy taking on the world that simply doesn’t understand.
SC: In my experience, it is the world that is misunderstood.
Announcer: Very well said. Ok, before you came out here today, I compiled a list of questions to ask you based on polls conducted on our website. These are the tope five winners. Are you ready?
SC: That’s the first question? That’s a stupid question. Of course I am ready. I am always ready.
Announcer: No that was not the first question. You’re not getting off that easily.
SC: I never do these days.
Announcer: OK, question one… If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be and why?
SC: Hmmm, that is a complicated question and technically two questions. I assume I get extra credit here. Hmmm… I suppose I would be a big cat so these Super Squirrels would be of no match for me, not that they are anyway.
Announcer: When you die, what would you like to be told as you reach the Pearly Gates?
SC: Another great question! I think your website viewers are better at conducting interviews than you, you two-bit hack!
Announcer: Can you please just answer the question?
SC: I would like be told that my mission was completed.
Announcer: And what is your mission, can I ask?
SC: To rid the entire planet of the likes of Professor Gludlum.
Announcer: And that leads us to our next question, which is coincidentally about Professor Gludlum, this one is from SCFan27, he asks “Can you please get me Professor Gludlum’s autograph next time you battle with him?” I think that is something we would all enjoy.
SC: No! I will not stop a battle in which the world may be in stake to get an autograph from the very person who is threatening it! I do like that screen name though by the way. Would the website reader like my autograph instead?
Announcer: I’m confident he would have asked for it if he did. Speaking of Professor Gludlum, have you made any progress lately as to his whereabouts?
SC: Well, the Unnamed Assailant and I have been hard at work to determine the original location of a sample of mud we found on a boot left behind by the professor last time we met. It’s a long and hard process, but we have narrowed it down some. We can state here for the record that the mud is terrestrial based.
Announcer: Meaning what exactly?
SC: Well we have successfully ruled out the possibility that the mud came from outer space. That was a theory for a while, but he is on Earth as we speak and we will scout him and out and find him and when we do that, we will bring him to justice.
Announcer: So you have narrowed down his location to… Earth?
SC: Precisely. It was a big step. Now we know where to start looking.
Announcer: Sounds like you guys have a lot of work ahead of you. Ok, next question from our website, what is your favorite curse word?
SC: Oh that’s easy. Bananas.
Announcer: Bananas isn’t a curse word.
SC: It is the way I use it.
Announcer: Ok, and for our last question… This one is a two parter…
SC: Wouldn’t that make it two questions?
Announcer: Yes well, the two questions are related. The first one is “Who are your inspirations?” and the second one is “How tall are you?’ Ok, I may have overstated the connection of those two unless your inspirations are as tall as you.
SC: Well, clearly the Mangler would be on the list.
Announcer: The Mangler? I’m not familiar…
SC: Oh well he is a very good guy that uses his powers to prevent crime in the future.
Announcer: Wow, how does he do that?
SC: He eats babies.
Announcer: He eats babies? As in children?
SC: Yes, exactly. He’s a good guy, definitely one of my inspirations. As for the others, I’m a big fan of God, I try to follow in his footsteps and the example he gives us. My parents, obviously are a huge part of my life or would be rather if either of them were still living or would have agreed to speak to me before their deaths. Who else? Boy the list is so long. Did I say God already? Oh of course and my single greatest influence would have to be me. I inspire myself everyday. Just today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and I was like “Wow!” Just waking up everyday and knowing that I am me and I do what I do makes it all worth it. I don’t know how all you out there that aren’t me do it. If I weren’t me, I would kill myself and hope to be reincarnated as myself. Does that make sense? Oh well, you know what I’m saying. Wait! Wait! I mean my fans are my biggest inspiration! Yeah, that’s it. Can we edit that other part about me out?
Announcer: As convinced I was and still am that we needed a time delay for this interview, we are unfortunately still live, so we cannot edit out anything. Perhaps next time we’ll plan ahead and book someone else on the show in your place.
SC: Damn. I mean darn! A message to my fans all over the world, don’t kill yourselves in hopes of being reincarnated as me. I am already me. I know it’s confusing to understand but only one person could have killed themselves and come back as me and that person, who shall remain nameless, has already done it. So, no use in you trying to come back as me in your next life. If you’d like to come back as the Unnamed Assailant, however, I believe he is still up for grabs, though if you wish to be the Unnamed Assailant, you may have more problems than just killing yourself.
Announcer: And on that uplifting note, we are fortunately out of time.
SC: No, we’re not. That light says we have another 15 minutes.
Announcer: Ahem. So please join us next time on SCTV as we debate another issue involving my close personal friend the Spanish Conquistador.
SC: But I’m telling you we have 15 more minutes. Give me that microphone! Don’t press that button. I must be heard!
(Sounds of a shuffle as we hear the station go off the air.)