At any given time in America, up to 3 McDonalds ice cream machines are working.

Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar.

I had to fax something and now want the entire planet to explode.

I got a work email that was written in purple font. I feel like I’m responding to a hostage situation.

You’re pretty today. You too ladies!

You ever think about how dumb that chasing waterfalls song is? Waterfalls aren’t going anywhere. You can pretty much just walk up to them.

You’re not crazy if you wave at a mannequin. You’re crazy if the mannequin waves back.

Someone just gave me a webcam cover for my computer. Now I’ll never get tips!

We need game shows where you can do so badly, you owe them money. Let’s put some real tension in these things!

I was once yelled at for writing "popcorn" under one of the buttons in an elevator.