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(opening music for celebrity jeopardy)
Trebek: Welcome back to celebrity jeopardy. With the Weakest Link now on this network, I thought they’d finally fire me and I could quit having to put up with this every week, but no, I’m still here. Anyway, Keanu Reeves is at –$7,200. Scott Baio is at –$3,000 and our returning champion Sean Connery has $100 because the answer to the only question he rang into last round was actually “Damn you, Trebek.” The writers are having a little fun with me, I guess. Okay, with that said let’s look at the categories: They are Say Anything, Letters, Numbers below 2, Movies that begin with The Matrix, Hugh Hefner’s ex wives, and Canadian game show hosts and I think I know where that one is going so let’s change that one to Shiny Objects. Mr. Baio, the board is yours.
Baio: I’m just doing this stupid show for the money.
Trebek: Mr. Baio, all of your money is going to charity.
(As Trebek speaks, Baio scribbles out his name on his name board and writes the word charity in its place.)
Trebek: That’s not going to work. Not like it makes a difference anyway with your score. Mr. Connery, why don’t you pick?
Connery: Ah, so I see, Trebek. You call upon me to do your dirty work. We’ll I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction, you bloody little man.
Trebek: Alright fine. Mr. Reeves, if you could.
Reeves: Alright, I’ll take movies to block.
Trebek: That’s a different game show, but here’s the answer. This movie starred Keanu Reeves and was about the Matrix.
Baio: What is Oklahoma?
Trebek: No. Mr. Reeves?
Reeves: (long pause) I didn’t buzz in.
Trebek: Don’t you know the answer?
Reeves: You mean question?
Trebek: Yeah.
Reeves: No.
Trebek: The answer is, Mr. Reeves, this movie starred Keanu Reeves and was about the Matrix.
(Long pause)
Reeves: Oh!!! (rings in) What is Superman?
Trebek: That was Christopher Reeve, not Keanu Reeves.
(Connery rings in)
Trebek: Mr. Connery.
Connery: Batman!!!
Trebek: No. The answer was The Matrix. Mr. Connery, pick a category.
Connery: Fine. I’ll take Hugh Hefner sex wives. I’ll take ‘em all.
Trebek: That’s ex wives.
Connery: Hey, however you Canadian’s wanna say it is fine with me, just let me have them.
Trebek: I’m not even going to get into that category.
Connery: I bet you never have gotten in there, have you Trebek?
Trebek: Okay I’m calling Say anything for 200. The answer is Say Anything. Anything at all.
(Baio rings in.)
Trebek: Mr. Baio.
(Baio plays Mary had a little lamb with his buzzer until the time runs out.)
Trebek: No.
Long pause.
Reeves rings in.
Trek: Mr. Reeves.
Reeves finish the song and laughs to himself.
Trebek: No. I’m convinced you all need to be removed from society. Mr. Baio, pick a category.
Baio: Okay, uh, the, last one.
Trebek: Shiny objects for 1,000. For this question, just name a shiny object. Any shiny object will do.
Reeves rings in.
Trebek: Mr. Reeves.
Reeves: I’ll take numbers below 2 for 8 million.
Trebek: I’ll give you that when it’s your turn.
Reeves rings in again.
Trebek: Mr. Reeves, I will have you gagged.
Reeves: Okay fine. Movies for 400.
Trebek: No.
Baio: Am I winning?
Trebek: No. And time is up. You are all morons. Going now to numbers below 2 for 8hundred . (Consults card) I don’t even think you can mess this one up. This is the only whole number below 2.
Reeves: What is 2?
Trebek: Below 2. Not 2. What would be below two?
Connery rings in.
Trebek: Mr. Connery.
Connery: Hugh Hefner.
Trebek: No.
Connery: Yeah that’s right. He’d be below two. Two sex wives, that is. Ha ha. Get it?
Trebek: Yes I get it.
Connery: I don’t think you do, Trebek. I don’t think you ever have.
Trebek: Okay that’s enough. One more question and we’re moving to Final Jeopardy. Letters for 400. Name this letter. An “X” appears on the board.
Instantly Connery rings in.
Trebek: I’m not even going to listen to what you have to say about that letter. I know you’re going to put three of them together and then insult my sex life, right?
Connery: (long pause) Dammit!
Reeves rings in.
Trebek: Mr. Reeves.
Reeves: There is no spoon.
Trebek: We actually would have given that to you if the category was shiny objects, but no, that is wrong.
Baio rings in.
Trebek: Mr. Baio.
Baio: That’s how they describe me! As an ex-celebrity! Ha Ha. I win.
Trebek: Actually, Mr. Baio, Ex starts with an “E”
Baio: No, it doesn’t.
Trebek: Yes it does. We can’t give that to you.
Baio: Hey, I’m in charge here, remember? (Singing) Charles in charge of meeeee………
Trebek: (interrupting) And for Final Jeopardy. The category is Famous Names and the answer is ‘Write your name.’ (music plays) Just sign your podium. Give me your autograph, like you do when fans ask for them, or for you, Mr. Baio, when the UPS man delivers something. Just write your name on the podium. Your name. First and Last. Just last. Just first. Whatever. Okay now; let’s see if any of you got this right. Sean Connery you wrote sex wives and lets see what you wagered. Okay, that’s not something we can show on television, so, moving on to Scott Baio and he wrote chachi which we can’t give him, but let’s see his wager and he wrote chachi again.
Baio: So, I win twice, right?
Trebek: You didn’t win at all.
Baio: Now I have to go back to my job at the mental institute.
Trebek: Yeah, “Job,” sure, whatever. Moving on to Mr. Reeves. You wrote for your name. ‘Your’ and I think I know where this going (Reveal wager) ‘name.’ Your name. Sorry. So, again, small children at the charities will not be getting any presents this Christmas. I’m very sorry. Well, I’m Alex Trebek and this network can shove my lifetime contract. I’m done.
(music plays)