If I had a show and was writing its last two episodes, I'd call them "The Beginning of The End" and "The End of The Beginning of the End".

“So, tell me about your background in comedy writing.”

“I wrote the puns in Animal Crossing when you catch fish.”

“Uh huh. Thanks for coming in.”

Statler and Waldorf are personal inspirations to me. They hated everything, but they kept showing up in good spirits and laughing with each other anyway. There’s a lot to be said for that.

Millennial cookbook where every recipe starts with a telephone number.

If you’re bored, look up John Young’s corned-beef sandwich and why the government called it a “30 million dollar sandwich”. 

The only horses you should beat are dead ones.

Diet Coke wasn't invented until 1982.