Shampoo

Sometimes when I’m in a hurry I brush my teeth in the shower, but it always takes like shampoo. My hair though has never been whiter or more plaque free.

Random fun

Show ending

If I had a show and was writing its last two episodes, I'd call them "The Beginning of The End" and "The End of The Beginning of the End".

Animal Crossing Puns

“So, tell me about your background in comedy writing.”

“I wrote the puns in Animal Crossing when you catch fish.”

“Uh huh. Thanks for coming in.”

Statler and Waldorf

Statler and Waldorf are personal inspirations to me. They hated everything, but they kept showing up in good spirits and laughing with each other anyway. There’s a lot to be said for that.

30 million dollar sandwich

If you’re bored, look up John Young’s corned-beef sandwich and why the government called it a “30 million dollar sandwich”. 

Horses

The only horses you should beat are dead ones.

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